I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
