So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
