I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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