She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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