Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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