I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
