when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
