That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
