Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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