my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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