i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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