The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
