he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Randomize
