i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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