I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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