STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
