I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize