someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
This is my gift to your gina
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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