I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
