well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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