I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
