My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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