I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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