party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
