Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
