She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
