pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
