I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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