Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
