umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
