I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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