Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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