hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just want to make out with him forever
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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