for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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