she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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