she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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