note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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