That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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