Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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