I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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