the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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