I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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