I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
