So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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