I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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