He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
