Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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