I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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