So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize