You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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