if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
