I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
