My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Randomize