OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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