Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
