listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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