Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
