I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
