she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
