I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
