my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
