meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
vagina is talking i cant
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We left the knife in your bed.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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