That reminds me...we need to get swords
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
